From Surviving to Self-Loving

We often talk about love as though it's a skill you master for others—be kind, be giving, be patient. But here's the twist: the toughest person to truly love is often yourself. If you've lived through complex trauma, this can feel like learning calculus without a calculator: overwhelming, confusing, and occasionally peppered with existential dread. But understanding the impact of trauma isn't just therapeutic jargon—it's the roadmap back to you.

Let's break down what complex trauma really means, how its fingerprints show up in daily life, and how you can start building a gentler, more affirming relationship with yourself. (If you'd like to check out the story that inspired this topic, here's the "Original source".)

What is Complex Trauma, Really?

Complex trauma happens when difficult or painful experiences aren't isolated events but ongoing circumstances—like chronic neglect, emotional abuse, or living in unpredictable environments. Unlike a single traumatic event, complex trauma often shapes how you see yourself and the world long-term. The result? - You might struggle with boundaries. - Self-criticism could become your default inner soundtrack. - Trusting others—or even your own judgment—feels like climbing Everest in flip-flops. But here's the hopeful part: once you understand how trauma wired your responses, you can start to rewrite the script.

Real-World Example #1:

The Overachiever Who Can't Rest

Meet Maya. She aces every project, climbs the corporate ladder like it's her day job (spoiler: it is), and still feels like a fraud. The root? Growing up with constant criticism conditioned her to believe self-worth equals productivity. Rest feels unsafe—like an invitation for failure. When Maya learned about complex trauma, she stopped labeling herself as "lazy" during downtime. Instead, she reframed rest as repair. Practicing gentleness with herself was the breakthrough that finally allowed her to enjoy her own company without chasing the next gold star.

Real-World Example #2:

The Friend Who Ghosts Without Warning

Then there's Jordan. Every time relationships get close, Jordan disappears. Texts ignored. Plans canceled. Mysterious radio silence. Why? Because vulnerability once meant danger in his world. His nervous system learned to hit "eject" before intimacy could turn into injury. By understanding that this urge was a trauma response rather than a sign of being "bad at relationships," Jordan began slowly rewriting his responses—with therapy, open conversations, and setting boundaries that honored his fears without letting them drive. The result: more presence, fewer ghostings.

So...How Do You Heal?

Action Steps to Try

Here are 4 ways to start moving from self-survival mode to self-love mode

Name It to Tame It
When an overwhelming emotion strikes, don't just bury it under memes and caffeine. Pause. Label the feeling: "I'm anxious," "I feel unsafe," or "I'm afraid I'll fail." Neuroscience backs it—naming a feeling takes away some of its power.

Reparent Yourself, One Small Step at a Time
Ask: What did younger-you need but didn't get? Maybe it was comfort, maybe encouragement. Offer that now. Self-talk like: "It's okay to rest. You're worthy just as you are."

Build a "Safety Net Ritual"
When triggers hit, have a go-to ritual. This might be: - Wrapping yourself in a blanket and breathing deeply - Journaling three truths: I am safe. I am not powerless. I am allowed to feel this. - Texting a trusted friend: "I need grounding, not solutions."

Celebrate Micro-Wins
Recognize progress—like spending five minutes in rest without panic, or sharing one vulnerable thought with someone safe. Tiny victories add up, and celebrating them shifts your brain toward self-trust. --- ## Pause & Reflect
📝 Take a few minutes for these journal prompts or affirmations:
- When do I feel most unsafe with myself?
- How does my inner critic talk to me? Is that voice mine—or a borrowed script?
- What's one small act of gentleness I could give myself today?

Affirmations for the week:

"I am not defined by my past; I am shaped by how I choose to heal."
"My worth does not depend on my productivity."
"Gentleness is my new strength."

FAQs:

1. Can complex trauma really affect my ability to love myself?

Yes. Trauma often reshapes self-perception, making self-love feel foreign. But awareness and intentional healing can reverse this story.

2. Do I need therapy to heal from complex trauma?

While therapy is incredibly helpful, especially with complex trauma, you can also start self-guided practices like journaling, mindfulness, or support groups.

3. How long does it take to feel progress? There's no fixed timeline. For some, insights happen quickly; for others, healing is a slow layering of safety and trust. Progress looks like fewer flare-ups, gentler self-talk, and more peace in daily life.

Conclusion:

Choosing Self-Love Over Self-Survival
Here's the truth: self-love after complex trauma isn't a switch you flip. It's more like restoring an old house—messy, gradual, full of unexpected detours. But every repaired leak, every new beam, and every fresh coat of paint brings you closer to a home you can feel safe in—your own. If you take anything away from this, let it be this: you are not broken; you are becoming. Give yourself the patience you deserved all along. The journey doesn't have to be perfect—only consistent. And trust me, with each small step, you'll find yourself more capable of the love you always needed—from you, first and foremost.